Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device

Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?

Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

dude it’s called proctologist

Plumber: I think I found the problem

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.

Lmbo

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

they should invent a type of situation that improves.

[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]

GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no