Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
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I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
bears
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.