Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

Watson was Holmes schooled

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

I think we should hear other voices.

On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence