Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
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The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.