Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.