Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
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Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.