Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
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I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Roombas should bark
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.