Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years