Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
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Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
He instantly became one of the bros
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude