Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Meme Monday.

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

This forever.

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss

It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick

me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite

gf: how did you get bitten by a tree

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.