Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
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Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
*files a restraining order against reality*
Thrilling chase underway
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
this is what they would have looked like, though
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.