Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
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Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Meowchelangelo
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay