Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

ghost: boooooOoo

me: you better stop

ghost: what are you doing

me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother

ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo

This is my emotional support knife.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

Me after 1 airport cocktail:

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

so this horse walks into a bar

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.