Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
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Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out