Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this

Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad

Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.