Why is it spelled camouflage and not
You Might Also Like
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*puts words between two asterisks*
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
