Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
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Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I should wash my van
We could use the rain