Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
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This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
the red hot silly peppers
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable