Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
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BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Remember folks 😂
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday