Why is it spelled camouflage and not
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
A woman drives into a bar.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.