why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .![]()
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Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
are they though??
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COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote