why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
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I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact