Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
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Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours