Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
You Might Also Like
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
