Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
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I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My dating profile:
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
accurate
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
what it’s like dating me:
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.