Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
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In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?