Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.

Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.

No problem, I’ll get you another one.

Thanks, but make sure she likes football.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

*when toddlers meet*

Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?

Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.