why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
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Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.