Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.

Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*