Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
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asked my bf how work was today
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
peeping toms
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese