Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

I’m giving up ice.

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.