Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
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I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Guantanamo Bae
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.