Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

BIDEN: That went well.

OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?

BIDEN: It’s what I do.

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no