Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
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[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
a fate I wish upon no one
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My favorite farside!!
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?