Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
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WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
tis the season
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
my first day as a raccoon
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s