Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Them: “two heads are better than one”
Me: “nah i’m good here, this one overthinks enough thanks”

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

WAITER: how would you like your eggs

ME: nogged

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

2-year-old: Dad?

Me: What?

2: Are chickens real?

Me:

2:

Me: No one knows.

Whoa… oh I see lol

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…