Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
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Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Dead sexy!!
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
I hope this email finds you in a well
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Danger is very dangerous
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
meow
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face