Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.