Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
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This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There鈥檚 a lovely key change at the end.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
my astrological sign is a french fry
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he鈥檇 squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
My safe word is Worcestershire
I just died 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 馃槶
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
* Finds what I鈥檓 looking for
* Can鈥檛 remember why I was looking
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you鈥檙e not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start