Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
You Might Also Like
i’m laughing very hard in real life
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..