Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

You deplete me

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*

Mom: what was that?!

God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.

the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner