Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
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PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer