Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
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Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys