Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Guy

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night

Me: no, that’s mine

Neighbor: it’s definitely mine

Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods

Neighbor: I’m taking it back

Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

bugs when you lift up a rock

Hamburger Hinderer.

[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.

I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.

friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

Anyone know the second rule of fight club?

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.