Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
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As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo