Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
They’re on their honeymoon
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
