Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
channeling her this year
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
