Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
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[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
My loaf of bread looks terrified
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I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
reduce, reuse, recycle
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Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work