Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
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[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Y’all know who you are.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
No chill.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end