Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

Sunday

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky