Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?

“Bring your own beer”

Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat

me 2 months after i graduated

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

next level snooze

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

“i miss shittin on people”

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .