Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
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no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
huge if true: the moon
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Another interesting #factupdates post!
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”