Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
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Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
grandparents are too precious for this world
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring