Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview