Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
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Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
a McRib killed my tapeworm
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Teach your children to beatbox
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
it was the f*ck this of times
it was the f*ck that of times