Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
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After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine