why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
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My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?