Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

The funk soul brother

if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

i want enemies

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire