Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.

Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”

Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

The United Steaks of America

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

School district says no pajamas for online classes

What are you gonna do, send them home?

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

Not messing around

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage