Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.

PATENT PENDING!!

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

i really liked this one

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)

Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?

Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

2022: I can fix it

Don’t tell me what to do

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff