Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog

Delete hinge and date that nice man who lives in his van down by the river

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!

Her: ok….. you pick the place

Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught