Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya