Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

Love it! 👍😂

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner

Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!

My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

Siri: Retweet me.

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.