Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
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Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.