Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.

“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

I am having an out of money experience.

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

put ‘er there pardner!

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.