Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
You Might Also Like
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
me after drinking all the wine:
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf