Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
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“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
*exercises sarcastically*
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor