Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
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Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
meanwhile over on facebook
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.