Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
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Why? Just why? 😂
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal