Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does